Smiles Hide Pain
by OMG MIKEY
Summary: 2k12 verse. Takes place during and after the episode 'Journey to the Center of Mikey's Mind'. Pain was hiding in shadow, unseen by his brothers. He's been hiding for years. He's been hiding behind a smile. Rated T for violence, minor swear words and suicidal thoughts.
1. Prologue - Hidden

_Yes... another new story... heh..._

* * *

 **Prologue**

 _Hidden_

Pain stared out at his brothers from his little hiding place behind the curtains, watching them meet everyone else. Gluttony, Weird, Anger, Fun… they knew he was here. They knew he had to hide from his brothers. The pain they made him go through, the things they said to him… he briefly wondered if he should reveal himself; to walk out of the shadow of the curtains and tell them how much pain he was in.

 _No._ Pain reassured himself, putting his head on his knees and curling up. _They won't notice my pain. Even if I tell them, it won't stop._

Pain saw Fun give him a brief glance; saw the understanding in his eyes.

But he could never know what it's like. Could never feel his pain. Even though they were one and the same… he scrambled backwards, trying once again to not let out his cries of agony. In his mind, the words of his brothers flitted around like bugs.

 _"_ _Mikey, you're such a loser!"_

 _"_ _Get away from me, I'm trying to work!"_

 _"_ _What is your role in the team, Mikey? None!"_

Pain knew he was about to cry. He desperately tried to wipe the tears away, but failed. As usual.

His eyes landed on his kusarigama chain. A though came to mind as he picked it up and placed it above his hand. Taking a deep breath, he plunged it in.

Nothing could prepare him for the agony that ensured.

He howled in pain, holding his bleeding hand.

 _Stop, stop, make it stop!  
_ Pain heard the approaching footsteps of his personalities. He stopped screaming long enough to sigh in relief. They could help him. They have to.

"Plants!" Weird cried out, flinging his hands out for no apparent reason.

Gluttony rolled his eyes at Weird and offered Pain a piece of pizza, "You like pizza, right? This might help."  
He took the offered slice and thanked Gluttony. Sighing, he bit into the pizza and almost immediately felt his hand wound heal. It had always had that effect on him. Although… it would still make him have a scar.

 _Another one to add to the collection._ He thought grimly.

"Dude, you ok?" Pain looked up and saw Fun frowning at him worriedly, "You look pretty beat up. I mean… more than usual."

He looked at the ground, embarrassed, "I… I guess my brothers being here and all… made me feel more pain than usual. I mean, since they created me and stuff…"

"Well, good thing you're good at hiding."  
Pain looked back up, the hint of a smile on his face, "Yeah, I guess you're right."

Fun landed on his shoulder, "Come on, dude. Let's hang at Imagination's place for a bit."

Pain's small smile grew, "Yeah, sure."

"See? I knew that would cheer you up!"

He looked at his other personalities, silently thanking them. Turning around, he walked towards the tiny, rickety door half hidden by the curtains. Taking one final look at his personalities, he opened it.


	2. Chapter 1 - Awake

_Yeh, new chapter!_

 _Enjoy!_

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

 _Awake_

Mikey wearily opened his eyes and sat up. Almost immediately, he spotted his brothers. He frowned at them. They were all connected to these weird devices… he shook his head. They had just saved his life and gone into his head. Of course they had to be connected to machines to do that!

He stiffened as he realized something.

 _They… they were in my head._ Mikey's brow furrowed worriedly. _Did they see Pain?_

Well, he'll just have to wait until they wake up.

As if encouraged by that, his brothers' eyes flew open. They spotted him sitting up on the bed, and hurried up to him.

"What…" He managed to croak out, "What happened?"

"Well," Donnie started, frowning at Mikey, "These neutrinos invaded your mind to steal information and basically make you a zombie."

"What?" He exclaimed, fury rising up inside.

Donnie nodded his head silently as Mikey looked around the ship for the neutrinos. After a few seconds, he spotted them. Standing up, he ran until he was next to them. He put his hands out and pinched the tiny ship they were in, stopping them from escaping. A low growl made it out of his throat as he hurried off to the airlock to dispose of them.

As soon as they were in the void of space, Mikey went into his room to contemplate how close his brothers came to discovering Pain. He shuddered at what they might have done if they had found out.

 _Ugh, come on, Mikey!_ He thought furiously to himself. _Pull yourself together!_

Mikey sighed as he pulled out the one thing that made Pain go away. He stared down at the familiar comic: _Wingnut and Screwloose_.

He opened the comic and turned it to a random page. After all, he's read this about a thousand times. A smile formed on his face as he started to read and leave Pain behind.

 _The words stared up at Pain, taunting. He briefly felt fear as he started to fade away. But, no. He should be gone. He should not exist._

 _If he had no brothers, he wouldn't exist._

 _He smiled as he completely disappeared, fading into his one safe zone. The place where he can hide from himself._

 _A place made of comics and pizza._

"Mikey?" Donnie hollered, banging on Mikey's door, "Food's ready!"

His head jerked up from the comic he was reading. A sigh escaped his mouth as Pain returned. Why did Donnie have to take him out of his happy place?

 _Then again, it won't matter if the food is pizza._ His mouth watered at the thought.

"Coming!" He yelled back, putting his comic away and hurrying to the door.

As he opened it, the tantalizing smell of pizza wafted into the room.

 _Don't worry, Pain._ He thought as he hurried towards the kitchen. _You'll be gone soon._

As Mikey reached the kitchen, he sat down and spotted his pizza. He grinned and took a slice. He didn't hesitate as he took that first bite of Pain-free heaven.

 _If only._ He mused, chewing on his food thoughtfully. _Who knows? It might just happen._

But it will never happen. Not with his brothers alive and teasing him. If they stopped… maybe. Maybe he could make them stop. They could either decide themselves to stop… or he would make them.

"Mikey, stop eating like a pig!" Raph exclaimed, throwing his brother a disgusted look.

 _No._ The Pain surged up. _They will never stop. They will never stop!_

Mikey clenched his teeth and put his hands into fists. _They won't understand! All the pain… all the pain… it's too much._

He picked up the plate the pizza was in and walked into his room. With a sigh, he plopped down onto his bed and pulled out a random comic. He frowned at the title. He's never read this one.

Mikey shrugged and opened it to the first page. He held up a piece of pizza and started to eat it.

As Pain completely disappeared for the first time in years, he found himself craving it.

 _I've had it so long, I need it._ Panic roared inside him. _I-It's like a drug._

He put down the pizza and frowned. So… he needs Pain. It makes him strong. Mentally and physically. It makes him… him.

He shuddered at the realization and continued to read the comic.


	3. Chapter 2 - Illusions

Hey, guys!

Sorry I haven't been that active on here lately... I recently broke my leg. It's been pretty hard to deal with as it was my first broken bone. I had surgery, too, which sucked.

I've also had a lot of writers block, but I've managed to get together a chapter.

Enjoy!

* * *

 _5-year-old Mikey grinned at his brothers as they got into their positions to fight._

 _"_ _Come on, guys!" He hollered, "Let's do this!"_

 _Raph rolled his eyes, and charged forward, immobilizing Mikey in a heartbeat._

 _"_ _Woah, Raph! You're so fast!" There was no mistaking the awe in his voice. Raph just snorted._

 _"_ _Pfft," He glowered at Mikey, "I'm only fast compared to you. You're slow. I'm as fast as a normal mutant. But you? You sicken me."_

 _Mikey stared up at his bigger brother with his baby blue eyes, tears starting to form._

 _"_ _But… but Raph…" He choked out, "I… I'm not slow…"_

 _"_ _Yes, you are!" Raph yelled, "You're nothing but a slow turtle!"_

 _That was when Mikey's heart shattered into a million pieces._

* * *

Mikey woke up from the nightmare with a start. He stayed tense for a few seconds, but then sighed. The memories always appeared in his dreams, tormenting him.

No wonder Pain was always so strong. He was reminded too often.

He knew he wouldn't be able to get to sleep, so he decided to get up and have some breakfast. He lifted himself off his bed, wincing at the way his head spun.

 _What did I expect?_ He mused. _I just got up. No wonder I'm woozy._

As he walked into the brightly lit kitchen, he froze in place as he saw Leo practicing in the lounge.

When Mikey attempted to edge back towards his room, Leo's head shot up, a knowing smile on his face. _Of course Leo heard me._

He walked up to Mikey, "Hey."

"Hi." Mikey grinned as wide as he could, "I was going to get breakfast, but I saw you practicing and didn't want to disturb you."

"It's fine," Leo smiled at him and walked into the kitchen, "Want to eat, or not?"

"Uhm," Mikey considered his options, "Sure, I guess."

 _I should have just read a comic._ He was regretting his choice to go get food.

Slowly walking into the kitchen, he sat down on the bench and got himself some cereal. He wasn't feeling like making a creative breakfast today. Leo's brow quirked up at Mikey's breakfast.

"You ok?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at his younger brother in that way of his.

Mikey smiled and chirped happily, "Yup! Even the most normal things can taste delicious!"

The worry disappeared from Leo's face, and Mikey tried not to look relieved.

"Hey, guys," Mikey turned around to see a zoned out Donnie barely standing, "Mind if I sit down?"

No one answered, so his brother sat down and got a coffee. _He's barely alive before he has his morning coffee._ Mikey inwardly snickered.

"Hey, Don." Leo muttered absent-mindedly as he got up from the bench and went to turn the television on.

"Hey," Donnie yawned and stared into his coffee, obviously not fully awake.

"Space Heroes?" Mikey moaned, "Come on, Leo, that show is _so_ lame!"

Leo turned to look at Mikey and crossed his arms, "Is not! It's the best show ever!"

Mikey sighed. He really didn't feel like doing much after his relevation last night, "Whatever. It's already on. I suppose I'll just watch it." He sat on the couch and, ignoring his brothers' words, closed his eyes and fell asleep.

* * *

Mikey opened his eyes.

The ship was different, but he didn't know how. Leo and Donnie were gone; they must have gone to their rooms or to train.

He stood up and started to slowly make his way back to his room. His vision was a bit blurry. Mikey briefly wondered why and yawned.

 _Ugh, probably cause I'm still tired._ He mused.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't realise he had passed his room. With a groan, he turned back and headed in the other direction.

Suddenly, his brothers' voices were filling his head.

 _Hey Mikey, get out of my way!_

 _You're too weak to go on lookout by yourself!_

 _Ugh, just leave me alone. Can't you see I'm working?_

He sank to the ground, grimacing in pain as memories from his past threatened to flow over the internal wall he had built.

"There you are."

Mikey looked up and saw himself. Reigning in a scream, he swiftly scrambled backwards.

"So weak, aren't you?" The other him mused, "Yes, you're weaker than you think."

Something about the way he spoke… Mikey reigned in a gasp as he recognized the tone, his accent…

 _No, not possible._ Fear pulsed throughout his whole body as he stared disbelievingly at the thing he thought he had gotten rid of.

"Yes, entirely possible," He grinned, showing off his rotten teeth, "Haven't seen me in a while, eh? You can't get rid of _me_."

The other him took a step forward. Mikey shrank back, trembling from fear and restraint.

"Let me show you." The other Mikey swiftly stepped forwards and, before the real Mikey could do anything, touched him on the shoulder.

Mikey screamed as his wall fell down and the memories engulfed him.

One of his earliest struck first.

* * *

 _"_ _Mikey!" A young Raph was screaming in young Mikey's face, "Where are my sais?"_

 _"_ _I don't know!" Mikey cowered against Raph's anger, "I didn't take them!"_

 _"_ _Yeah, right." Raph growled, "You're always messing up, Mikey! You always steal everything! Why can't you be taught a lesson?"_

 _Splinter wasn't there, either. He had trusted his sons to take care of themselves while he was out getting food._

 _Mikey backed into the wall, "I didn't, I swear!"_

 _"_ _You took them!" Raph screamed, and punched his brother in the face._

 _Mikey cried out. All he could remember of that moment was blinding, blinding pain. He dropped to the ground, cradling his face and crying. Raph kicked him in the side before promising to punish him more if his sais weren't returned._

* * *

Mikey woke up, for real this time. He blinked slowly. For everyone that wasn't him, he was simply sleepy. He was not in pain.

But he was. His wall, which had taken so much time and effort, had fallen.

He didn't want to live anymore.

He didn't want to see.

He didn't want to do anything.

 _Pain._

 _Pain._

 _Pain._

Mikey raised his hands to his eyes, considering something he would never have considered before. But no. He will not do it.

When he raised his hands, however, he noticed something.

They were _hands_. Actual human _hands_. He blinked in shock.

Just like that, it was gone. It was all an illusion.

 _Illusions…_

Mikey looked at his hands and concentrated. Hard. He almost yelled when his huge turtle hands were instead replaced by smaller human ones.

 _Is this an illusion… or real?_

He slowly felt both of his hands.

Hey, it felt real enough.

A smile spread across his face. When the wall fell, it wasn't just pain-filled memories he remembered.

* * *

 _Mikey was young, almost 5, when it happened._

 _He was in his messy room, chilling with a pizza and comic when it happened._

 _He was Mikey. Then suddenly he wasn't._

 _The cat he had turned into meowed loudly and in surprise._

 _And suddenly, he was normal again. Mikey blinked in confusion. He then shrugged and ate a slice of pizza._

 _That wasn't the first time it had happened._

* * *

Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Again, sorry I haven't updated in a while!


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